Stalking Response Guide

Help and support from other people can make a huge difference to your wellbeing, and make it easier to get safer from stalking.

Who do I go to?

Trust your instincts about what feels right for you to do and who to ask for support.

Free confidential information and support: If you need help, information, advice, or just a listening ear, you can ring a helpline or support organisation such as Women’s Refuge, Safe to Talk or Victim Support. These helplines should be able to help you find the best local service to meet your needs, for in-person support if that’s something you want, and may include a Kaupapa Māori, Pasifika, or Rainbow service, for example.

Family violence safety: If you are being stalked as part of a family violence situation, your first point of contact should be Women’s Refuge or Shine (contacts listed here), as they are experts in safety planning and protection.

Personal support crew: Reach out to someone who:

• you trust
• is likely to listen, and take your concerns seriously, and
• will respect your right to decide what steps to take.

This could be a friend, family member, workmate, teacher, church leader or member, kaumātua, kuia, or someone from a community group, doctor, counsellor, social worker, marae, hapū, or iwi – or someone else.

If someone doesn’t take you seriously, even after explanation, reach out to another person, someone else you trust. If nobody feels like the right choice (or if nobody responds the way you need them to) you might want to contact a support service / helpline that understands stalking and can help you feel heard and safe.

You may wish to connect with an organisation who may be able to connect you with culturally appropriate support – for example, a Māori or Pacific health or social service provider. If you are concerned about confidentiality, you might prefer to seek help from organisations outside your community. That’s absolutely okay too.

What do I say?

Even when talking to someone you trust, it can sometimes be hard to name or challenge behaviour that feels invasive or controlling; for example, when the unwanted behaviour comes from someone you’re expected to trust or defer to within family, cultural, work, education or faith communities. You might feel pressure to stay quiet, to “keep the peace”, or to avoid bringing shame to your whānau or community. And in any situation when you talk about being stalked, you may receive an array of reactions. Not everyone will immediately understand what you’re experiencing. Some people might minimise it, make excuses for the other person, or tell you that you’re overreacting. In all these situations, as in others, your feelings of fear, confusion, and/or discomfort about the stalking are valid.

Here are some words you can use which may help your trusted person understand – or you can simply pass this text on for them to read:

“I am being stalked. That means I am the target of a pattern of unwanted behaviour. This stalking is [delete as appropriate] intimidating, threatening, distressing and/or dangerous. It is making me feel distressed, worried and/or scared. I am letting you know, because I trust you. Research shows stalking can have a serious and detrimental effect on people’s lives, and it must be taken seriously. Behaviour that looks superficial or harmless to outsiders can be carefully chosen to be threatening to its target. Stalkers often behave and present extremely differently to outsiders than they do to their targets, and they can be extremely persistent – in other words, they usually won’t stop intruding on someone’s life just because they’ve been asked to. Please help me work out my options to find protection from the stalking.”

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If a friend or family member or someone else you know is being stalked, your support can make a big difference.

• It’s really important to listen without judgment and believe what they say. You might say, “That sounds really scary. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.” Such validation can help them feel less alone and build their confidence – which is vital to reducing the effect of the stalking on their wellbeing, and can help them find useful protections.
• If they are describing concerning “red flag” behaviour but not identifying it as stalking, you can use the descriptions in this guide to help them decide whether the information in this guide may be relevant and useful.
• Encourage them to make their own decisions about what courses of action seem best. Stalking can feel like a loss of autonomy – the ability to control one’s own life. You can help them regain the sense they can make their own decisions.
• Ask how you can help and offer practical help that they may need.
• With their permission, you could research and discuss their options with them. You can also offer to call Women’s Refuge, SHINE and/or Victim Support or other helplines on their behalf for advice.
• You could also offer to go with them to appointments and take notes (for example, with the police) or keep records, gather information for them or just keep them company. When someone is scared, stressed, anxious, and/or not sleeping well, it can be even harder to remember and keep track of things.
• Maybe you can offer them a safe place to stay, help with childcare, transport, financial support
• Give them time over weeks, months and years – however long they need – to voice their feelings and concerns.
• And also offer them respite – distraction, entertainment and grounding activities. (But make sure this is not the only thing you offer – the person being stalked needs to know you know that protection and safety are important.)
• Remember to take care of yourself, too; helping someone under threat can be stressful.

If you are an employer, see SHINE’s DVFREE Workplace Guidelines for ideas and responsibilities.

Crime Stoppers: If you wish to let the police know about someone who is stalking someone else (rather than yourself) but want to stay anonymous, you can call Crime Stoppers (0800 555 111) to give information. They will pass on details to the police without giving away your identity. This can help police build a picture of what’s happening or identify patterns of behaviour. However, if you are the person being stalked or you’re in danger, it’s better to contact police directly so they can take protective action sooner. See Reporting stalking to the police.